a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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