I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
