haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
