im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
