Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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