just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
time to smoke my breakfast
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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