After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
