dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
