he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
