I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
