I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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