It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I believe in your delicious
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
