Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
