I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
