someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
