pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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