I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
