Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
