My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
