Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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