Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
