I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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