who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
