Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
