if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
