this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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