life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My vagina just recognized that song.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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