If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
