if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
two words...techno handjob
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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