I feel great
I just peed on a car
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Sober January is a disaster.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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