If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
