Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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