you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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