I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
