Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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