He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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