I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
