i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
