I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
