when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
