Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
