Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
His hands were made for my vagina.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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