His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
