chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
