just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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