You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
