I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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