I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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