Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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