Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
