either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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